MIA

Dirt Road Heaven used to be my gratitude journal for all the things here on The Dirt Road that give me joy.  Then cancer sidetracked me for a couple of years and recently, I tried to make Dirt Road Heaven about my attempts at painting. The reality is, I'm still struggling and forcing myself to "be" something, besides sick, has left me frustrated and in an odd state of limbo. I'm trying to find my way back .. and sometimes talking to myself helps.  Talking to myself, being outside and looking for, and finding, God. So these, then, are the voices in my head today. And these photos are my factual evidence of God, here on The Dirt Road.

lost (lôst, lst)
     v.      Past tense and past participle of lose.

     adj. 

1. Unable to find one's way: a lost child.

2.
a. No longer in the possession, care, or control of someone or something: a lost pen.
b. No longer in existence; vanished or spent: lost youth.
c. No longer known or practiced: a lost art.
d. Beyond reach, communication, or influence: The expedition was lost to the world for two months.

3. Not used to one's benefit or advantage: a lost opportunity.

4. Having not been or unlikely to be won; unsuccessful: a lost battle; a lost cause.

5. Beyond recovery or redemption; fallen or destroyed: a lost soul.

6.
a. Completely involved or absorbed; rapt: lost in thought.
b. Bewildered or confused: I'm lost can you start over?

I have lost my direction.

I have been lying fallow.

Weeds have taken hold, order has been disturbed.

I told my oncologist last week that, as bad as treatment was, the months following have been harder.

During treatment, I was focused on ridding my body of the invader.  During treatment, I was committed to surviving treatment.  Afterwards, my expectations of immediate restored health (yes, I am that naive) were met with less than desirable results.

Now.  Now I have been "cancer free" for just shy of two years.  Now, my hair is long enough to blow in the wind.  Now, most days, I am able to do what I want to do.

The trouble is .. I don't know what I want to do.  I can't seem to get my land legs.

It's not just about starting over.  I've done that plenty of times. Dividing linens and dishes.  Moving.  Restarting.  Restarting alone.

Healing.

The balm to heal all my heart hurts was always found outside.  But this time is different.

I still find solace and happiness with my bugs and birds.  And lizards.

Wildflowers still fascinate.

Turtles laying eggs still a treasure.

A scissortail sitting still for me, a blessing.

But I'm floating above the earth like a birthday balloon.  Happiness without purpose.  Lost.  Here, but lost.

I was a daughter.  A sister.  A tall girl.  And far too soon, a wife. Then I wasn't.  And I was lost for a long, long time even though, far too soon, I was a wife again.  And then a mother. And then again.  A baby in each arm in a rocking chair looking out the window at the goldfinches in a rare January snow.

And then we were on our own.

Lots of changes.  But that's life, so it's not just about changes.

My internal map is gone.  My kids are grown with babies of their own.  I now parent my mother.

The eyes and heart who saw the best in me, gone from this earth almost nine years.

Changes.

My heart found a home.  One that won't blow apart with the slightest stormy wind.  Finally I could relax and blossom a little bit.  The energy to flower wasn't spent on just survival.

Until it was again.

I'm so sick of cancer, cancer treatment, cancer recovery, cancer testing, anti-cancer meds.   Enough already.  You've had enough of my time, my body, my thoughts, my prayers.

But I don't know how to put back what's missing.  I'm not even sure what I've misplaced.

I just long for for order.  And grace.  And strength.

So this collection of random, disorderly thoughts is really a prayer for a light on the horizon, a star to direct me, a whisper of wisdom that will plant me firmly back in my garden of happy.

Spring fever - bunny style

Cookies 'n Cream

10" x 10" oil 

13" framed

$195. + shipping

Bunnies remind me of springtime, Easter and warm grass 'neath bare feet.  As a kid there were several Easter bunnies received as pets and even a few cottontails found in the pasture.  Who doesn't love a baby rabbit?  Even now, in springtime, I have to be very careful when entering Tractor Supply.  I must - at all costs - avoid the baby bunny aisle.

Hope you like this little fellow.  If so, please share him with fellow bunny lovers worldwide.  Thanks!

Here are some other things I'm working on:

  

Thanks for looking!

Love,

Open Sesame ...

Greetings Earthlings,

Here is today's offering:

All Locked Up
8" x 8"
$80. + shipping

I grew up with an old barn that was likely held together with the many coats of paint that were on it.  I never thought about how much I loved that old barn, but as time goes on it seems the funniest things of your childhood can warm your heart.    Barns smell good.  There are lots of interesting things in there.  One day, in first grade, I came home and found my old barn had an orphaned baby lamb in it.  Peeling paint, rusty latches, fresh hay, dust ... soft wool .. smells like love to me!

Love,

(As always, I appreciate you sharing with friends.  Pin away,

Facebook it .. or email to buddy.  I'll love 'ya forevah.)

Look into my eyes ...

Little baby  shickens ... love!

When Dave and I started our chicken ranching operation, we began with two dozen or so little babies we ordered from a mail order company.  We loved pouring over all the pictures in the catalog choosing just the right breeds.  And then we anxiously awaited the arrival of the little newly hatched babies a few weeks later. 

Springtime at our post office in Grapeland is a busy time.  There are lots of little chickens delivered here!  I got up extra early the morning ours were due .. and right on time .. at 7 am, the postmaster called to let us know they had arrived. 

We ordered a "straight run" which means you don't get to choose the number of hens versus roosters.  It's a risk that you'll be getting more than one roosters this way .. but Dave and live for this kind of excitement!

Big John when he was only Medium John

Sure enough, we got about six roosters as I recall but one by one they bit the dust.  We lost some to bobcats, hawks and one died from a snake bite, we think.  Finally, we were down to two:  a huge Silver laced Wyandotte named  "Big John", and a sweet, little black Frizzle bantam named "Frizzly".  Obviously Big John was in charge as he outweighed Frizzly by at least ten lbs.!  And I wish I could say that he was a "nice" rooster but if you have ever seen a rooster mate a hen .. well, let's just say it's NOT good for her.  (At least, I don't think so.)

He's looking at me .. again.

Big John had a weird attraction for me.  He hated Dave but he was never aggressive with me.  Instead, he would run around the rail on the deck that surrounds our house on three sides, looking in the window.  He had an uncanny way of knowing which room I was in.  Creepy.  But I got a lot of really great photos of him because he was always close by!

One day, I'd had just about enough of his raping and pillaging of my poor, beautiful girls, so when it was time to let them all out of the coop, I only let the girls out with Frizzly.   He's so sweet and loving and I thought he deserved a day of romantic relaxation free from the barbarian "love-hawg", Big John.

Big John FREAKED out!  He went nuts in the coop when he saw Frizzly having his way with the girls.  I thought it was karmic justice and snickered all the way back in the house.  After a couple of hours I decided to let Big John out .. but when I went to the coop he was D.E.A.D.  Dead!  Defunct, deceased, lifeless, kaput!  He was sprawled out on his chest and everything that should have been bright red, his comb, his waddle, was, instead a purplish blue.  I think I gave him a heart attack!

Needless to say, I felt awful about it.  I had no idea his emotions ran so deep!  But Big John's demise left the door open for the benevolent Frizzly to become our sole resident rooster, a post he holds to this day.  I'm grateful, now, for the creepy attention Big John paid to me.  

All the photos I have are great resources for painting.  People who have never had chickens don't understand that they are complex individuals with personalities and quirks.  (That line made ME giggle, but it's true!)

Big John
8" X 10"
SOLD!

If you look into the eye of Big John, you can see he was a strong, willful, slightly odd chicken person.  But what a beauty he was!

This painting is 8" x 10" on gallery wrapped (no staples) canvas that is 3/4" thick.  The frame is a heavy, gold ornate frame that will add some cost to shipping so I will sell the painting minus the frame if that is preferred.

Here's what I'm working on this week:

I've only got a couple of hours in on this one .. still have lots and lots to do. 

Haven't touched this one in a while but I hope to have it finished in a week or so.

This little piggy .... for Michelle.  About halfway there.

Also, last week I had my first give-away!  It was a "guess the number I am thinking of" and the lucky winner was Cassidy Rhinehart of San Antonio.  This little "Mellow Yellow" painting is now hanging in her kitchen!

Yellow ... gone broody.

I'll do another give-away next month (sooner if I can!), so stay tuned and please, please, please tell your friends.  Till next time .. use ALL the colors!

Love,

I'm bored ..

It's been a gray and rainy day here in DR Heaven .. so I thought I would cheer myself up a little by giving away this little painting.  

.. And I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 50.  First person who goes to my DRH Facebook page (please "like" it first please if you haven't already) and answers correctly wins this little painting of Yellow (my beloved one eyed mama hen)  abso-lootin'-tootin' free.  I'll even ship it to you free cause that's the kind of girl I am.  FIRST person who guesses the correct number 1 - 50 wins.  (I'll tell Ashley the number so she can confirm I didn't play favorites.)  Okey doke?

It's 8 x 8", gallery wrapped canvas (no staples) and the edges are painted. Cute framed or not. Now get to guessing.  (You can play more than once.)    

        THANKS FOR PLAYING ALONG .. THE WINNER OF THE PAINTING IS 

        CASSIDY WHO GUESSED LUCKY NUMBER 37!

Clucking Happy

The new McMurray catalog

It really doesn't take a whole lot to make me happy.  Last week the spring McMurry catalog arrived and I can't seem to put it down.  You know how some "older" ladies collect irrational numbers of cats to keep them company?  I could very easily collect massive quantities of colorful chickens.  And guineas.  Peacocks.  Quail, ducks, geese and pheasants.  I love them all.  I WANT THEM ALL.

Over the years my chickens (and we're down to a very brave and healthy twelve) have given me so much pleasure.  A couple of days ago we added fresh alfalfa to their coops and I sat there for half an hour just listening to their happy clucks. Apparently, it doesn't take much to make Frizzly and the girls happy either.  Popcorn and fresh alfalfa and they murmur little contented paragraphs of sweetness to each other.  

Here are three tiny canvases I've finished recently.  They are four inches wide and one and a half deep, gallery wrapped and the edges are panted so no frame is required.  

This is Kellogg.  He died an untimely death before his first birthday.  I think he was bitten by a snake but I really don't know.  I just found him unable to stand one day behind the woodpile with three of his girls hovering over him nervously.  He wobbled like a drunk on a three day binge. I hospitalized him and gave him a week's worth of tender, loving care but ultimately he passed over to that big chicken pasture in the sky.  He was a beauty and I'm grateful for all the photos I took of him before he left us.

This is Frizzly.  He's a bantam "Frizzle" rooster and all his feathers kind of grow backward.  I doubt he weighs two pounds and he's adorable and sweet and loving.  He's actually the only rooster we have left and I love that he's now in charge!

This little hen belonged to "Yellow" (my one-eyed mama chicken extraordinare) and Big John.  Sadly, she met an early demise also.  Death by bobcat.  We actually saw it take her.  (Shudder.)  A couple of years ago we had a real problem with bobcats and since then, all the chickens have been cooped.  It makes us all sad .. but at least we're not supplementing the bobcat's diet any more.   

Tre's Amigos

$105. for the set

$40. each

So there you go.  Three pieces of chicken, low fat, and no messy kitchen to clean up!  If you know of someone who would like them, please share.  Frizzly has already requisitioned more alfalfa to keep the girls ... clucking happy.

Love,

Here's a peek at some other things I'm working on:

(And one of these is going to be a giveaway!)

And When I Grow Up ...

If you've followed Dirt Road Heaven in the past, you know it's where I share my gratitude, photos and critter stories of life here on The Dirt Road.  And then I got sick. That's the bad news.  The good news is that after six months of chemo, five surgeries and thirty radiation treatments, I have been cancer- free since July, 2011.  But having experienced all that,  my perspective and my priorities have changed and so now I'm changing the direction for the Dirt Road blog. 

All my life I have loved art.  It took me forever to give up my crayolas!  Apart from one folk art painting class in the seventies when I was eighteen and one semester of drawing a short time later, I've had no formal training.  But I've always loved drawing and painting and making things.

When Jared and Ashley were still stroller size, I gathered up the courage to enter a couple of my drawings in a county art contest.  Just entering was enough for me but when I went to pick up my entries, I was thrilled and surprised that one of my drawings had taken a first place ribbon!  Being a new mom to two babies less than a year apart was pretty demanding and soon I found myself on my own as a single mom.  Then every waking hour was spent working or taking care of my little ones. 

For a while in the nineties, I started my own business as a decorative painter.  I painted furniture, children's rooms, murals and did faux finishes.  I  painted floors to make them look like brick, wood or stone.  Happily, I had more work than I could do for several years and during this time I also made handmade cards that I sold through a gallery in Houston.  I loved being able to support myself and my kids creatively during those years.

Then I got happily side-tracked with Zuni fetishes and for almost fifteen years Dave and I have represented the talented artists of this pueblo in northwest New Mexico.  We even wrote a book!  Dave is now completely in charge of Zuni Spirits and I am finally brave enough to give this painting thing another try.

I've always thought that, at this time in my life, I would be able to finally devote my full attention to making art.  Having had cancer made me realize there really is no time like the present!  Two years after my diagnosis, I am still struggling with the residual effects of my treatment.  Lack of stamina and fatigue are my nemesis.  I'm not sure I could hold down a full-time "regular" job. So, I've prayed about it, struggled with it and decided that, even in this crapola economy it's time to at least give it a try.

In the past few months I've been more creative than I have in the past decade.  I've made canvas prints of my photos,  I've made collages and I've been painting.  I've been studying the work of artists that I admire.  I've been reading art books.  And I've been trying to remove, little by little, the weight of expectation that I always place on myself.   I'm trying to just enjoy the process of learning and doing.

Over the years I've taken so many awesome photos of life here on The Dirt Road and now some of them are becoming paintings!  It's the perfect way to bring a little bit of my Heaven home with you.  So the blog will now reflect this new journey and will be a means of marketing my work.  If you see something you like, I hope you'll share it. (Pinterest, Facebook?)  If you see something you really like, I hope you'll BUY it!  But if not, I hope you'll let me know you like it!

I don't expect to get rich or famous.  I just know that God is steering me in this direction, 'cause, you know,  we've talked!  I know that when I ask Him to send His creative angels to sit on my shoulders while I paint, that I actually relax and have fun painting.  And it feels good.  And feeling good is a blessing that we just take for granted too often.  Life is short and you don't get a do over. It's time to get serious!

So we're staring in the face of a brand new year.  It's still in bubble wrap and all a big unknown.  But for me, here on The Dirt Road, it's going to be a new journey of becoming the me I think I was always meant to be.  I have no idea where this journey will take me but if it means I can share my God-given talents with you AND it keeps the lights on, I'll be more than grateful.

Happy New Year, Dirt Road Peeps.  Health, happiness and lots of love.

Always,

Darlene